Not Built for the Crowd - Looking Forward to What's Next

The song I connect with most now is from a teenage girl named Alessia Cara called “Here.” I watched her on an interview and she said the content of the song stems from a real life situation of being at a party and just wondering why she was there. I kind of feel the same way. For better or worse, I’ve been fortunate in my life to have endured many experiences at a young age - smoked my first joint at 12, went to my first club at 13, lost my virginity at 14, travelled to France at 16, had a child by 19. At 19 I also earned a full athletic scholarship to a division one university (Go Bonnies), which lead me on the path to becoming the writer I am today.

BOREDOM IS REAL

But now I find myself stuck in my own mind thinking to no one but myself how utterly bored I am with everything. I avoid any invitations from my friends to go anywhere (I'm infamous for saying maybe) unless it’s a new experience or unless I’m 100% sure I’ll enjoy it. I’ve been to the club twice in the last two years, and most places I go now usually has me venturing on my own in fear that any companionship would ruin the experience.

INFLUENCE EXCITES ME

I realized while I was standing in the bleachers at the annual OVO basketball finals, an event put on by Drake leading up to his now classic summer music festival, that I’m really not built to be in the crowd. I’m not built to spectate, to watch and cheer as others put on a show

Que my ego...

What excites me now, and really always has, is being part of the show. Bringing people together, stirring anticipation, being responsible for whispers and wild rumors that only get more outrageous with each broken text.

Through my writing I’ve been able to achieve some of the influence I crave. I’ve impacted lives, caused people to reflect, moved people to action in ways that I could never have guessed when I set out on this journey. I’m grateful for it all, but always find myself asking “what’s next.”

What is next?

And I don’t say this to suggest I’ve accomplished all that I want. Not even close. I just mean in those moments of adulation, disappointment, achievements, honours and awards; what is the next step and what will that feel like? Some days I feel like I’m already living what I want, other days I feel like a castaway relegated to my own island forced to create a world only I can see.

Call it my Millennial spirit, but in either case, I want more. More, more, more.

Oprah and Deepak say gratitude is one of the keys to ultimate success. But how do you balance being appreciative for what you have with this burning desire for what you want?

#PassionAndPaper

Get Thoughts of a Fractured Soul here.